Epilogue - Why Mandi Probably Doesn't Like The Book

It might be useful to think about some reasons Mandi doesn't like the book, and also why she is where she is.

Mandi has a little brother. She sees hersef as a superhero, who can do things on behalf of her dad and her little brother, her dad being like a sort of autistic self-centered whiner.

She meets this whiny victim-playing loser Scott with three kids working in paving, and she thinks she can help him and make his life better.

She liked Mulrenin. And she thought by going to Mulrenin's house and being a stripper, she was helping Scott and helping Mulrenin. She knows Scott doesn't like it. But she thinks that is just because guys are irrational. And their objections are not material like her little brother.

She did not expect to go into Mulrenin's house at all that night, much less for two hours. But Scott has been waiting for her all night, and she doesn't see why there would be any issue making him wait more. This is what she does.

So Scott goes and knocks on Mulrenin's door, Mulrenin goes totally psycho. Mulrenin hits Mandi. Mandi is now angry at Mulrenin and doesn't like him any more. (Ordinarily that would only last a few days.)

Mulrenin jumps off the balcony, and Mandi walks out of there without the money she stripped all night and met Mulrenin to get. Scott puts a guilt trip on her, that it is her fault he had to come knock and what happened.

So now Scott is in prison, and Mandi feels she failed to deliver. Never mind that it was Scott's brilliant idea to use the credit cards, and Scott's idea to have her pawn stuff at the pawn shop when at that very moment Scott's brother was in prison for pawning stolen stuff, and Scott's idea to buy an engagement ring and marry him so she couldn't testify against him. Mandi was probably willing to let Scott put the gun in her drawer because she is self sacrificing. That is what she was doing at Mulrenin's apartment.

So now Scott is in prison, and Mandi feels it is her fault and Mulrenin's fault. And she doesn't like this idea that is sort of in the book, that Scott is guilty and she should get out of prison and leave him there. She thinks the whole thing they did to her and Scott is dishonest and crooked, starting with Mulrenin (who made her come upstairs, and then went psycho, and then jumped).

So Mandi doesn't want to say what happened, because that would be testifying against Scott whom she meant to help. And also because she was bringing drugs from Chris Dahl's house to Mulrenin's house, she feels she would be betraying Chris Dahl (who is her favorite person on Earth, because he is miserably whiny and so is his kid). The last time she saw Chris he had an active meth case, and if he got in any kind of trouble he could go to prison. That loyalty, and wanting to be a superhero for Chris Dahl, is still her mindset, frozen in time. It doesn't register in her mind that he got the case sealed. But as a practical matter, if she told the truth and accused Chris Dahl of any criminal conduct at all, Chris Dahl would lie and say no he wasn't selling drugs, he was not involved and there were no drugs or drug dealing at all, it was a planned robbery by Mandi and Scott.

Mandi doesn't like a book that portrays Scott as guilty like he should be in prison, and that betrays Chris Dahl, because if all that gets out then she let them all down. And the book also does not paint her father as a hero, so she let him down also.

Scott is an idiot, and has told Mandi that he knows what he is doing and he will take care of it, and they will both walk out of prison any day. A lawyer explained this to me, people in prison get out on random technicalities or whatever all the time. And the kind of guys who end up in prison are sort of self important and deluded, with like a swagger where they imagine they are lucky and will win that lottery.

And Mandi's lawyers always tell her (and all the girls in jail) above all just keep your mouth shut and let them take care of it. So she feels patience is better than a chatty book, according to the advice everyone gives.

Remembering James Mulrenin - He Never Threw Me Out

Years later, I had a strange realization about this guy James Mulrenin. When I walked out of the strip club, I forgot he existed. I didn't dwell on him. Except one time when I dropped something off for a girl, he seemed so steamingly angry about it. I remember worrying as I rode away on OBT that she might never get what I left for her, or that I might have gotten her in trouble. I pictured him taking ownership of what I left for her, and I thought oh well. It wasn't until years later that I took an inventory of my memories of him, and realized something strange: He never threw me out.

They say first impressions are hard to overcome. My first impression of him was that sign, touch and go, and him waving his arms at the girls in a threatening way. I had the wrong impression in my head, that he wanted to protect the girls from sexual harassment, and he really had morals or something. I was there to have sex with the girls which is what you are not supposed to do. So the whole time, I always had the idea in my head that he was angry at me and wanted to throw me out. Like when he came up and busted on a girl, I felt the heat myself, I perceived I was an equal target also. When he was angry at the girls, he was angry at me.

There was no question he was malevolent, and didn't like me. The way he stalked me in the parking lot. His angry demeanor when he wasn't at the door when I walked in, and he chased me down inside to get the fee. I didn't even like to go to the bathroom because I would have to walk past him. And I didn't like being in his mind, or the subject of his attention, because he was malevolent. He might think I was drunk or something, and use that for something. And every time the girls mentioned him, it was with a tone of fear and misery, like he had just ruined their day with what he said or wanted.

So it wasn't until years later when I collected all my memories into a list, that I realized he never actually threw me out. He never even said a cross word to me, except "You, get your hand out of her!" And I realized that it was always the girls. Just going on my memories, it seems ilke he hated the girls, and had an impulse to harm them all day. But at the time, my initial impression from him wanting to stop guys from grabbing and molesting the girls, blocked me from perceiving that. And it made me incorrectly imagine that he was coming after me. Like during that time when he was firing countless girls, I felt I could also get thrown out at any moment. I didn't realize until years later it never happened. And it was never going to happen. I might have been friendlier with him if I had known that at the time.